I seem to hate half the dubstep i listen to, but its stuff like this take makes me come back to the genre. Please listen on speakers you spend more than $20 on.

So I was going to write about how my life sucks. About how I am bored from day to day due to not having enough to do. About how I have it rough trying to find a second job that fits perfectly into my schedule and pays well. About all the doubts I am having about wanting to go to graduate school or whether I will actually get in. Then I hear a lady tell a story that puts my troubles into perspective…

So I’m sitting in Wendy’s eating a double stack when a lady with a stroller sits down next to another woman holding her baby. Stroller woman then told her story. She had Lymphatic cancer when she was 16 after which the doctors told her that she had a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant and a 50/50 shot of carrying a baby to term. She had had two miscarriages previously and expected to go through menopause at the age of 26. She stated that if she didn’t get married in the next five years that she wouldn’t be able to have another kid, which means she is ~21 years old and that she most likely wasn’t with the father of the kid.

My life doesn’t seem so bad any more… 

What I’m listening to. Gonna start posting every other day i think…

[Gonna change gears a little bit with this blog. Apparently writing about people can piss them off… Hopefully the stories to come are entertaining enough for you]

After watching Day9 Daily 100 again (a must watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJztfsXKcPQ), I’ve been inspired to write about some of my most memorable chess games. My dad taught me how to play the game at 6. I joined my elementary school’s chess club at 8. That year I went to my first tournament and played my way to a 4-1 record, good enough for 1^st place in my section. It was that first tournament at Zion Elementary School that I fell in love with the game. My Dad and I would travel across the city every weekend to a scholastic tournament, every year to the state tournament (qualification was a given), and occasionally to Nationals. I loved bringing home the trophies. I loved watching my rating climb. I loved winning.

            Then Middle School hit. Participation drops off tremendously between 5^th and 6^th grade. My elementary school of ~400 had a weekly chess club meeting that topped 100 kids. My middle school of 1000 had a chess club of about 6. People started wanting to be “cool.” I still played sometimes, but the desire to win was extinguished. I stopped going to tournaments. I stopped caring about my rating. I stopped caring about chess in general.

            Sometime in the 9^th grade I realized that I didn’t give a fuck about being “cool,” probably because I was comfortable in my group of friends. I joined my high school’s chess team, played in the intercity scholastic chess league, and our team qualified for state my Sophomore year. The State High school tournament is a 5 round, two day affair, where the top 5 players from each team play each other.  That year there were three powerhouse teams, Mercer Island with the Adi Lanka and Alex Glass (among others), Lakeside with the incredibly dominant twin Wyde brothers, and Garfield (us). We had played Lakeside in the Seattle metro league championship a month prior and gotten absolutely crushed. They had better players on every board, and Mercer Island was no different.

  After the first 3 rounds we were in a fairly good position, second if I remember correctly. Team atmosphere was good. Until we saw we were paired up against Mercer Island the next round. Going in the underdog, we knew they had a chance to 5-0 us and knock us out of contention for the title completely; fortunately we walked away from that round with an even 2.5/2.5 split. We got absolutely amazing pairings in the last round. We dodged Lakeside (who would have easily knocked us out), and instead skunked some rando school. After the dust settled, after 50 games played, we were tied with Mercer Island. Unacceptable for a State Championship with only one trophy for the winner. So the tournament director pulled the two teams into a back room while the 100+ people from the other schools waited outside. Just being in that room, separated from the plebeians, felt like victory in itself. The TD informed us that we would be playing a speed playoff match, 3 minutes on the clock (+2 seconds per move). We flipped a coin for color preference, and walked out of the back room meeting. We sat in the middle of a ring of 50+ people; just the 10 of us and our pieces. It’s kinda strange to say, but that was probably the most intense moment of my life. I was paired against Alex Glass, who I’m 0-3 life time I think (including a loss in regulation). I picked up a pawn early but eventually blundered and loss the game. I think our team lost 1.5-3.5 after my teammates were finished. Honestly we didn’t expect to win; just getting to that playoff was far exceeding any expectations we had going into the tournament. We went to Chipotle afterwards, where our coach ninja paid for everyone. Good food with great friends =)

End of Part 1

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” -Nietzsche

“Would you be willing to say that Ryan texted you and if so did you feel harassed? I’m taking an anti-harassment suit out against him.” -Her

“Seriously?” – Me

After that little exchange she backed off on trying to recruit me. Ryan F. was apparently calling her constantly, both trying to get her back and win the breakup (“I kissed someone else” type stuff). She met with someone at the UW about monitoring his internet activity. I felt like maybe she was overreacting, but I didn’t know the entire situation. He sounded pretty controlling from what she told me, but I didn’t really know the guy (besides the text message he sent me).

I hung out with her a few more times after the facebook exchange. Chipotle [pro tip: burrito bowl > burrito], Thai 65 [Pad See Lew > Everything], and chatted with Her Roommate and Her Roommate’s Friend at the 8 [don’t eat at the 8]. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal; no more random crazy drama.

[Until…]

I see Ryan sitting at the bottom of McMahon talking to Her Roommate and Her Roommate’s Friend. Very strange considering they were not friends with each other. I figured they must be talking about Adderall Girl, and I really wanted to hear his side of the story. So I called up the two girls to try to get them to spill the kidney beans on Adderall girl, but they were extremely hesitant.

[Meanwhile she texts me and asks me what I’m doing. I respond with nothing and invite her over. She declines.]

Eventually they just called up Ryan and asked him to come up. I was fairly worried at first, thinking that he would want to just punch me in the face, but they seemed sure that he wouldn’t. I welcomed him in and he told me his side of the story.

[His Story]

First he asks me what I think I know about her. I tell him what she has told me about her kidneys, her brush with cancer, her Reynald’s. He asks me what school I think she goes to. I tell him that she told me she was going to the UW, but was taking a couple quarters off because of her kidney problems. After fairly long and obvious buildup, Ryan tells me that she doesn’t have any of the aforementioned health problems (except maybe a circulation problem). She doesn’t go the UW; she was only there for Summer Quarter (was at the UW before but dropped out due to grades). No cancer. No kidney problems. She was going to Bellevue Community College.

Apparently she was changing in front of him one day when he asked her “is that scar from your leukemia surgery?” EXCEPT HER SISTER WAS IN THE ROOM. So that was awk…

Ryan did admit to being fairly controlling. He had sent me the text message himself, but he didn’t send them to 6 people like she had claimed (only myself and someone else). He had asked her if he send the texts, which she agreed to (instead of her story of him stealing her phone for 3 days.) He shows me his phone and the texts between himself and her. They read like:

“I want my stuff back”-him

“I threw them away, good luck getting them back from the dump” -Her

“Im going to expose you to all your friends” –him

“I will end you” –her

At which point she probably texted me, to see if he had exposed her story to myself. I didn’t want to believe the story at first, even though everything fit so well. I eventually was able to confirm the story with her dad. I imaging being her dad would be very difficult; knowing that your daughter is lying about having cancer and not having the power to stop her without exposing her to everyone.

[conclusions]

So this girl probably is a sociopath. She created this entire life story in order to attract people, specifically guys who she is romantically interested in. Her interactions with people are mostly short term; keeping very few long term friends due to the risk of being exposed. She has used this story on people in the past and she will in the future.

Funny thing, I don’t really have any ill will towards Adderall girl. She didn’t really harm me in any way. I didn’t let her get emotionally close to me and I didn’t give her any resources of mine (besides time). The enjoyment that I got from spending time with her was real. I wrote this blog to try and figure out how I felt about the whole situation. I’ve come to the conclusion that the lying has broken any semblance of trust that I had in her, and so I don’t think I can ever be friends. Its hard to hang out with someone who you fear is a sociopath.

She hasn’t really explained her actions to me. After seeing the that I was writing a blog she put on a heroic effort to try to apologize to me and complement me in any way possible. Maybe I’m just really cynical but it seemed fairly manipulative; felt like just another effort to try to persuade me to take in the fragile girl. I asked her to write something to try to explain her side, because I am truly interested in her motivations. I doubt she will ever respond.

End of part 5, not sure where to go with this blog now

So we did the friends with benefits thing for a while. It was pretty strange, like something out of Sex in the City (not that I watch that show…). She would be kissing me in a stairwell one moment, and spending nights with the aforementioned Ryan F. (he didn’t like me very much).

Eventually I concluded that this whole relationship was very manipulative, considering the circumstances (I said that I didn’t want to date her, and she said “kiss me.”) I told her this and that pretty much ended any sort of relationship I had with this girl. EXCEPT WE REMAINED FRIENDS.

[Kidney Problems, out of chronological order]

(Not exactly sure when the next section happened). So her kidneys are deteriorating throughout the summer, and one night it got quite a bit worse. She sent a lot of texts complaining about her kidney’s hurting and went to the doctor a few times a week. She dropped out of UW because she was coming up on the transplant list and didn’t want to interrupt her studies.

[One more thing, out of chronological order]

So at some point I notice that she cannot understand sarcasm (which knowing my sense of humor was probably pretty early in the relationship). For some reason she just cannot differentiate between when I’m joking and when I’m being serious. Furthermore, she read very deeply into facial expressions. If I frowned she would think I was unhappy, if I wasn’t smiling she would think that something was wrong. Complete lack of empathy. One more for the sociopath column (although she had told me her dad had Asperger’s so I thought it could have been that for a while.)

[End of Summer Quarter]

So we exchanged text messages and hung out a couple of times over Fall and Winter Quarter. She has gotten a job teaching at a community college and was still on the transplant list (the girl she was supposed to get a kidney from died too early; before Adderall Girl was ready for it). After we broke it off, she got very serious with Ryan F., they got engaged and went to the East Coast for a while together (they had met during the summer also). Interestingly, nothing she told me about him was positive (he was controlling and she wanted to end it with him but couldn’t).

[The Text]

One day I get a text from her phone that basically says ‘Its Ryan, I don’t like you. Back off. I don’t trust you with her.’ This is months after we stopped any sort of physical relationship, but I figured why get in the middle of that, so I responded “whatever” and backed off completely.

[About a week and a half later]

She tells me that he had stole her phone for 3 days, texted 6 of the guys in her phone the same thing he texted me, and that she had broken up with him over it. She says that she wants to be friends again. I am hesitant and don’t want to get in the middle of any drama, but she convinces me that it’s over with him.

[Soon after]

She facebook messages me “would you be willing to say that Ryan texted you and if so did you feel harassed? I’m taking an anti-harassment suit out against him.” Fucking didn’t want to get involved in any drama…

End of Part 4, one more to go

Previously on the Adderall girl story: “I can’t date a sociopath”

So I didn’t actually mean for the conversation to go like that, but it’s hard to gently tell someone you think they might be a sociopath. Moments after I said it, I realized that I enjoyed spending time with Adderall girl and that she hadn’t wronged me in any way. I apologized to her and stated that I didn’t believe that she was a sociopath (a partial lie, really I wasn’t sure and didn’t care), and surprisingly she eventually accepted my apology and we became friends. She started dating someone across the hall, Ryan F., and I went back to slaying boars. The End.

[Not]

So we became pretty good friends. We would go on long walks to Gasworks together. Have meals together. She would come into my room, sit on my lap, and complain about her kidneys. A very strange relationship with a girl that I had called a sociopath [note to self: do that more often]. I remember my thoughts on the matter were very mixed. I enjoyed her company quite a bit; however, I just couldn’t bring myself to trust her completely. It was an odd state of limbo.

[And then one night]

We went to a party. Or maybe it was a night of Magic Online with some high school buddies while she slept on a nearby couch. I don’t really remember. But we walked back to Terry Hall together. On the way we started talking about our relationship together, and I told her firmly that I had no interest in dating her. It was a true statement at the time; I just don’t like getting attached to things that I know will end poorly. I just couldn’t connect with her on any sort of emotionally level. It always felt like she could detach so easily from anybody. About 5 minutes later, out of the blue, “Kiss me” comes out of her mouth. I declined. She admits to me that she likes me, asks again, I decline. We reach Terry, where Her Roommate, Her Roommate’s Friend, and their other friend are hanging out. We chat for a bit and then Adderall Girl and I leave. Go to my room. And kiss. So much for just being friends…

End of Part 3

Previously on 24 the Adderall girl story

“Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” – Friedrick Nietzsche

Here’s what I learned about Adderall Girl’s life in those short days. In list format:

• She survived stage 4 leukemia as a kid. It metastasized to her ovaries, which were surgically removed
• She has Reynald’s Syndrome, something that causes poor blood circulation
• She has chronic renal failure meaning her kidneys were set to fail soonish
• She once broke a kid’s nose in high school defending a friend, getting her suspended for a couple weeks
• Her family was very well to do, her father was a higher up at Microsoft and her mom was a lawyer.
• She was extremely extraverted, more so than anybody you have ever met. She would greet strangers on the street and people walking down the hall leaving the bathroom.
• She once dissected a pet (it was dead prior, unlike what Hamster girl did…)
• She was getting out of a bad breakup; she didn’t seem entirely over it
• She had kissed 14 people prior to me, 7 of them girls.
• She had never been broken up with, always the one leaving first
• Blonde, skinny, attractive, etc.

And now back to the story

[The following day]

After a grueling 3 hours of class (abnormal psych, developmental psych, and sensory and perception, all recommended), I return to Terry Hall and her room, where we both emerge from around dinner time. Over dinner we had a pretty strange conversation in which she pulled away from me emotionally and when I showed indifference, she drew closer. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have, but that conversation was perhaps the clearest example that I’ve seen in someone else.

[The next day]

She tells me that she has nightmares. Bad ones that prevent her from sleeping very well. She asks to sleep with me to see if it will help. Obviously I agree. I don’t see her at all that day, until she opens my door and crawls into my bed right before I fall asleep.

[The day I told a girl to her face that I thought she was a sociopath]

So my mind was in a funny place that quarter; I had just finished taking Murder (not recommended) and was taking Abnormal Psych and thus sociopathy was a topic that was hot in my mind. When she mentioned the pet dissection story she also mentioned that people had said she had sociopathic tendencies, which got me thinking. She had never been broken up with (a strange record to keep), she used Adderall (without a prescription), she was extremely charismatic when she needed to be, violent when she needed to be (the suspension). All circumstantial but I knew it was something that I couldn’t secretly hold onto while I dated her; and so I asked her to come talk to me. She instantly recognizes that I have something on my mind and pushes me to open up. I believe my exact words were “I can’t date a sociopath.” She walked away. Not exactly what I wanted to say…

End of part 2, but not the end of my relationship with this girl